How to Stay Sexy in a Recession
Moneysaving Sex Tips
Are you paying too much for sex? Wait, that came out wrong. Have you ever thought about how much cash you drop in the pursuit, and consummation, of romance? We're all trying to curb spending in these tough economic times, so whether your source of funding is student aid, a part-time job, or the First National Bank of Mom and Dad, here are some ways you can tighten your belt and still get satisfied.
1. Buy condoms in bulk, or get freebies
Condoms are ridiculously expensive, especially in convenience stores, and the smaller the box, the bigger the markup. You can get deep discounts by ordering bulk condoms online. Why pay over a dollar for a single rubber when you can get them for as cheap as 15 cents each? Split the cost of a case with your dorm buddies, sorority sisters, or housemates and you'll be covered for months or years, depending on how much action you get. If you're really cheap, cruise the organizations tabling near the student union - there's usually some safe sex group with a big fishbowl of free condoms. Or go to the campus student health center, Planned Parenthood, or a public STD clinic and they'll give you a handful for free.
2. Sleep with your friends
Maneuvering someone into bed can be expensive: dates are by far the biggest sex-related expenditure. Solution: friends with benefits (also known as a fuck buddy). You don't have to invest in a wardrobe or grooming products to look good for them. You can skip the wine-and-dine routine you usually go through when dating. Stay in with your FWB, watch a DVD, order a pizza, and split the cost. You won't just save money, you'll also save the time and energy you'd spend beating around the bush and dealing with emotional drama. Less expense, more time to study - it's a win-win all around.
3. Cancel your online dating site subscriptions
That's what Craigslist is for. You might have to deal with a disproportionate number of guys posing as chicks, fetishists, and other weirdos. But who knows, you might end up broadening your horizons. Or, sharpen your Facebook and MySpace games. Millions of satisfied users can't be wrong.
4. Get cheaper lube
You shouldn't skimp on lube, but you shouldn't pay a fortune for it, either. This may sound gross, but the cheapest lube you can get is the kind used by veterinarians. It's called J Lube, you can order it online, and it comes in a powder that you mix with water. You can pay $10 for an 8 oz bottle of regular lube or $10 for enough powder to make 8 gallons of this stuff. J Lube is water-based, so it's compatible with latex condoms. The drawback is it doesn't keep well once mixed, so don't mix up several gallons unless you're hosting an orgy. Is it safe and effective? Thousands of gay fisters can't be wrong.
5. DIY waxing
Hard economic times mean cutting back on luxuries like salon bikini waxing. You could go granola and cultivate the natural look. But if you want to keep your nether regions smooth and inviting, try out a home waxing kit. Yes, it will probably hurt more, but we all feel the sting right now. Exercise caution if you're attempting a full Brazilian.
6. Make your own sex toys
Look around your house or dorm, and you're guaranteed to find some objects and devices you can use for self-stimulation or sex play: an electric toothbrush, a melon, a cucumber, a hairbrush handle, etc. Use a sock and a glove to make a pocket girlfriend, grab the pulsating showerhead and get off. Use your imagination, but use common sense, and don't stick anything up there if you aren't sure you'll be able to get it out.
7. Don't use performance enhancers you don't need
Of course, you're too smart to need this advice, but don't waste money on quack pills or potions that claim to give you a bigger dick, make you last longer, or give you a bigger load. Buy an herbal supplement off a random website, and you may just get powdered oregano capsules. As for those pills that are supposed to make your semen taste better, you can get the same effect by cleaning up your diet and consuming sugary fruits and fruit juices. College guys don't usually need erectile dysfunction drugs, but if you use one for an occasional pick-me-up in the bedroom or to bolster your "confidence", make sure you're not using more than you need to. If you use a drug such as Viagra, purchase it in the most cost-effective way possible. Usually, this means getting larger tablets and dividing them into smaller doses. Invest in a good pill cutter, and ensure you're not taking a larger dose than you need to get the job done.
8. Can the cologne/perfume
Smelling nice is sexy, but a shower should suffice. Remember that the most sexually attractive scent is your body's own pheromones, so don't waste money masking your natural musk.
9. Take advantage of free porn
Why pay for DVDs or cough up credit card charges when there's plenty of free porn to be had online? Websites like XTube and PornoTube are the adult entertainment equivalent of YouTube. While a lot of the user-submitted content is poorly lit or downright pathetic, you can still find some genuine amateur talent. Better yet, get together with friends and make your own videos.
10. BYOB
You can rack up a major bar tab trying to get yourself, and your date liquored up. Cut down on costs by bringing your own booze on a date. Seek out restaurants that don't charge a corkage fee, and bring a bottle of reasonably priced wine. Your date will think you're sophisticated. Pack a hip flask, and you'll seem like a retro bad boy. If you can swing the ironic street style, you might be able to get away with a forty in a paper bag.