Let's cut the chit-chat, shall we? When it comes to getting down and dirty, a little sound and fury are not just expected, they're encouraged (silent film era, anyone?). However, amidst all the oohs and aahs, there's a danger of dropping a verbal bomb that could instantly deflate the mood. To save you from such awkwardness, here are 14 things you should never say during sex, unless you're into foot-in-mouth fetish!
1. "You're not...fully equipped"
There's nothing more mood-killing than acknowledging a performance issue in the heat of the moment. If it's not quite fitting, maybe just roll with it. A little white lie never hurt anyone, right? And remember, there are other ways to play the game.
2. "Are you going to finish soon?"
The pressure to finish can turn a fun romp into a nerve-wracking race against the clock. If you're feeling a bit snoozy, try switching positions, or subtly asking if there's anything else they'd like you to do. Or, you know, just be real and say you're not quite feeling it. Alternatively, you could always pretend you need a wee!
3. "That wasn't a fart"
Sex can be a noisy affair, and sometimes those noises can sound embarrassingly like a fart. If this happens, don't fret, just laugh it off! It's completely normal and absolutely not the sound your orgasms make...unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing.
4. "Whoopie!"
While there's no harm in letting out your inner Tarzan, remember to keep it simple when expressing your pleasure. "Yes", "Oh baby", and good ol' fashioned moaning are tried and true methods. Steer clear of words like "whoopie" or "arriba" – they might leave your partner wondering if they've accidentally wandered into a game show or a Mexican fiesta!
5. "So, how's Aunt Martha?"
Even if you're a master multitasker, now is not the time to catch up on family gossip or discuss that impending laundry pile. Sex is for, well, sex, not a chit-chat session. Leave the catching up for breakfast, and focus on the task at hand!
6. "Sorry"
Apologise if you cause harm, that's just common decency. But don't fall into the trap of saying sorry for every little thing. Clumsiness and awkwardness can sometimes make the experience more human, so own it. You do you, boo, and do it with gusto!
7. "When was the last time I showered?"
Certain intimate acts (like anilingus) are more enjoyable with a certain level of personal hygiene. If you're having trouble remembering your last shower, maybe take a rain check, or better yet, jump in the shower together for some steamy fun!
8. "You can if you want"
When it comes to expressing what you want in the bedroom, clarity is key. Be bold, be specific, and don't be afraid to voice what you don't want. And if you're enjoying it, let them know! Just steer clear of indifference; after all, your partner isn't a mind reader.
9. "How many people have you slept with?"
Sex is an absolute no-fly zone for the "number" conversation. It's essential to discuss sexual health and history with a new or recurring partner, but make sure to get that out of the way before the action starts. Not exactly pillow talk material, is it?
10. "I should have warned you..."
Transparency is key in any sexual relationship. If there's something you need to tell your partner (like being on your period, needing to take extra precautions, or having a deadline to meet), spill the beans sooner rather than later. Nothing instills fear like "I should probably warn you..." just as they're reaching for your underwear.
11. "That's so cute"
While "cute", "sweet", and "adorable" might be perfect descriptors for a fluffy kitten, they're not exactly what someone wants to hear in the nude. Unless of course, they've got a fetish for being called cute while naked. Then, by all means, carry on!
12. "Do I look alright?"
Sex is not a beauty pageant. It's raw, messy, and real. If your partner isn't making you feel like a total sex god/goddess, it might be time to rethink if they're the right fit for you. Remember, all the best parts of sex involve weird positions, swinging body parts, and plenty of realness. So, toss those insecurities to the wind!
13. "How about a threesome with John from accounts?"
Discussing sexual fantasies can spice up your relationship, but remember to be tactful. Imagine how you'd feel if your partner mentioned another person as their ultimate fantasy. Remember, it's all about communication and respect.
14. "You're so much better than I thought you'd be!"
While you might think it's a compliment, it comes off as a bit backhanded. You can reassure your partner they're doing a fantastic job without implying they looked like they'd be rubbish. A simple "You're amazing" will do the trick!
And there you have it! With these 14 tips in your back pocket, you'll be sure to avoid any verbal blunders that could kill the mood. Remember, communication is key, and a sense of humor can go a long way. Now go forth and get frisky!