Sexual Communication
Is it important?
Sexual boredom and lack of communication between partners end many relationships. But if a man is going to penetrate a woman sexually, and she wants him to be inside her, they can't get much more intimate and close than that, so there ought not to be any great difficulty in talking about sex. Language, however, is often a stumbling block.
For many of the sex, words are simply embarrassing. We can eliminate ejaculation, for a start, by using "coming." Having sex or making love is good, and entering is an excellent way to say penetrating. Balls, cock, and cunt may flow less easily off the tongue; fuck, maybe even harder for a couple who aren't relaxed about these things.
Men use the most basic words among themselves, but often when speaking to a partner will change their language. But what's wrong with saying something like: "You've got a wonderful cunt! How do you feel about my cock?" If words like pussy are more accessible, then use them, but above all, find some way of communicating......then you can avoid situations like this: One man told me he had a strong desire during the half-minute or so before he ejaculated for his partner to hold his balls. "She wouldn't object, would she?" I asked. "Of course not," he said. "Then why don't you ask her?" "But that's the problem! You can't ask a woman to 'hold your balls,' I'd feel an idiot if I whispered, 'Hold my testicles, darling!' "
Though I think all couples should be able to talk about sex, I eventually suggested he just took her hand and put his balls in it. He was delighted with this idea, and it worked for him, but how much better to be able to say it?
There is a similar reluctance to use four-letter words on the part of women, but a woman knows that if she is going to be sensuous, she must throw modesty aside. How can such a fantastic human experience as a wholehearted response to sex is circumscribed by modesty? However, if a couple really cannot bring themselves to use four-letter words during the intimacy of sex, then they will have to invent their euphemisms - to talk to one another, they must. No couple can enjoy great sex until they can talk to their partners freely about their own sexual needs, likes, and dislikes, and discuss their partner's requirements freely, too.
This talking together about sex is just ordinary, straightforward communication. Such communication is essential, a fact probably only brought home to people who deal with the sexual problems of others. A woman complained that she had never had an orgasm during penis-vagina contact. Her husband can keep going inside her for five, often ten, minutes, but she can't come in that time and always has to be brought to orgasm by hand or mouth. In all cases like this, I first ask, "Who decides when your partner puts his penis into you - you or him?" This particular woman gave what has almost become the stock answer because it is so frequently given, "He does." "Does he ask you if you are ready?" "No, but I wish he would, because I always feel I'd like him to go on stimulating me a bit more before he does ejaculate inside me." "Why don't you ask him to arouse you a bit more?" "Oh, we don't talk about sex." Incredible? Yes, but also very common.....another example illustrates the same point...
Sexual communication is the combination of sexual self-disclosure, the quality of the sexual communication, and the frequency of the communication.
Almost all women are very responsive to having their nipples rolled between their fingers and thumb. Almost all men read this as "all women." But there are women whose response to this technique is irritation rather than arousal. One woman came to me because she worried that her reaction might mean she was abnormal. "It just tickles," she said. "What really turns me on is to have my partner hold my breast in his hand, and squeeze it hard." "Have you told him how you feel and what you would like him to do?" "I didn't want to, in case he should think I was kinky." "Well, you're not. So tell him, and if he thinks you're funny, tell him to come and see me." She had been uncomfortable with a sexual technique that her partner used on her in all good faith, simply because they had not learned to communicate about their sexual needs!
Another woman told me, "I had an affair some years ago with a man who liked to rub his glans on my nipple until he came. It was the wildest sensation I've ever had. And I reached orgasm during intercourse as soon as I felt the first spurt of his ejaculate drowning my nipple. I long for my husband to do it."
"Have you asked him to?"
"Oh, no! It's not the sort of thing one can ask one's husband to do, is it? I would feel it was very immodest."
"Do you and your husband talk about sex?"
"A bit. But it's not very easy."
"But you are talking to me quite happily about aren't you?"
"But you're different. You understand."
"I'm a stranger. I would have thought it would be easier to talk to a man who is more intimate with you than any other man."
"I know it should be like that. But we don't really need to talk a lot about it."
"But you really do need to!"
After a pause, she asked, "I don't suppose you could do anything about it, have a word with my husband, I mean?"
"Yes, I could, but I don't see why I should. You can speak to him quite as clearly as me."
"But you would be able to sound him out first, to see whether he would object."
"Is he a prude, then? "
"No, but you must admit it's rather a strange way of getting turned on."
"Not at all. There are thousands of women who enjoy it just like you do. A man's cock is meant to turn a woman on, and seeing it ejaculating even more so."
But she still couldn't speak to him about it.....and, when I did, far from having any objections, he was delighted.
"I've been wondering for quite a while now what we could do that was new. Why didn't she tell me herself?"
"I gather you don't talk to one another much about sex."
"No, not much."
"Well, I suggest you begin right away talking more often. You don't know what else you might be missing."
They had been married for four years, and in all that time, she had denied herself sexual pleasure because she would not speak a few very brief words; and he had been missing out for the same reason.
Despite the abundance of sexual images in the media, which makes us think that having great sex is easy, the reality is good sex depends on excellent communication, and that is incredibly difficult to achieve in a relationship. Letting your partner know what you like during sex needs honesty, tolerance, and patience. And of course, what you want changes as time goes by. Sexual communication is, therefore, something that evolves and improves - but keeping at it, talking about what you want and what you need will always increase the closeness you feel for your partner and make sure your relationship will last longer!
Every man and woman is unique in how they like sexual and sensual touch. Even with bags of sexual experience, you can't predict how your current partner will react - unless you've been with him or her for ages. Some men like it rough, as do some women; others want it gentle. Some like sex all the time; some only occasionally. Some women will reach orgasm with only a little gentle finger play, while others need strong vibrators. So don't assume you know what your partner likes, wants or needs. Instead, ask them what they want!
You can start by gently touching, caressing, and fondling your partner, and while you’re doing this, you can ask them what they want or like. For example: "Do you enjoy it when I press your nipples? Do you like your ear lobes kissed? Is this hard enough touch on your clit?" Or you can ask while making love - "Do you like deep thrusts or shallow ones? Is this good for you, or do you want it harder?" Of course, your partner is also responsible for telling you what they want! Give them space to be heard, so they can tell you in their own time and in their way what they'd like. And use reflective listening so that they feel you have heard them. Remember what they told you - it's not very exciting or reassuring to go through this every time you have sex.
Above all, most women (and men) want to feel that their sexual desires are appreciated and regular. So, if, for example, your partner reveals they enjoy being tied up during sex or like a range of toys, and it's new to you (or you tried it and hated it), the most unhelpful response you can show is disgust or shock or any other negative judgment. If you love and care about the person, you'll ensure they feel good by not expressing judgment. You don't have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, and you don't have to make your partner feel odd or ashamed because of what they enjoy. For a woman, keep telling her how attractive and desirable she is, and do not focus on her flaws. Being criticized for things she can't possibly change is a real turn-off.
Being open and honest is the key to a great sex life
Feeling comfortable is the key
A young man came to see me about what causes delayed ejaculation. He was unable to ejaculate during sex even if he moved his penis in the vagina without stopping for an hour or more; in fact, it took his girlfriend over an hour of continuous, direct stimulation to his penis before she could bring him to orgasm and before he was able to ejaculate, and that was only on comparatively rare occasions; very often he couldn't reach orgasm at all. This young man revealed under my probing that he had scarcely any feeling in his frenulum and glans. The sex books say that the massively nerve-packed frenulum - the little band of skin which joins the skin of the shaft of the penis to the membrane covering its head on the underside is the most sensitive spot on the whole penis. For the majority of men, it probably is. Still, for quite a significant number, their most sensitive spot may be either the rim of the opening, or the few square millimeters just below the opening, or the edge of the rim which the glans forms with the shaft, or the groove under the rim.
I asked him whether he jerked himself off and how long it usually took him.
"Oh, four or five minutes."
"How do you masturbate?"
"Well, I find that the underside of my penis for about an inch and a half from the base is very sensitive. I lie on my back and rub this spot with two fingertips."
"Does your partner know about this?"
"No, I haven't told her."
"Why haven't you?"
"I don't know, really; we don't talk much about sex."
"Do you think you might come more easily if she used your technique?"
"I don't see why not. But what I find is so bloody frustrating is being her boyfriend and unable to orgasm during sex."
"Now you've told me your little secret, I might be able to suggest something that would let you do just that. Lie on your back, with her lying on her back on you; or, it might be more comfortable if you slouched down on the couch and she mounted you with her back to you. In these two positions, those vital one and a half inches can't get into her vagina. If she rubs you there with her fingertips in the way you do yourself, I'm pretty certain you will come in much less time than it takes you now."
It worked, but what is more, the fact that her boyfriend could now ejaculate while he was in her unblocked him psychologically, and he was soon able to function in any position. It took only a couple of weeks, instead of the lengthy psychotherapy he would have undergone otherwise (with no guarantee of success).
If you try it, you will quickly discover what a timesaver communicating is. Normally it can take ages before a couple can begin to have good sex if they talk rather than try trial and error - though that is the only way for a couple who have not yet learned to get to know one another sexually. Communication leads to imaginative sex and little tricks of your invention, and it helps avoid recriminations or disappointments because you can communicate likes and dislikes before you get into bed. It saves time later if each partner knows that as far as the other is concerned, certain things do not arouse him/her while others send them wild.
Even after working in a stable sexual relationship for several years, it's no use experimenting sexually on another person if you don't know how the experiment works. You can't find out unless you ask and are told. For example, how can a man know his partner enjoys three fingers exploring her cunt, but not two or one unless she tells him? How can a woman who once had a partner who was sent wild by the gentlest of love-nips on the scrotum know that her man finds the gentlest love-nips on the scrotum excruciatingly painful but adores quite sharp love-nips on the tip of his foreskin when it's pulled right forward unless he tells her? (Just a wild idea you might want to try.....)
There is another use for talking, too. Lots of couples are or may be capable of being turned on by listening to each other recounting, in considerable detail, past sexual exploits. No man or woman can use this technique unless they have the words and the freedom from inhibitions to speak them. Similarly, no couple lets any opportunity of sexual arousal slip through their fingers for want of being prepared. If a couple is not accustomed to talking to one another, they will miss out on an interesting and exciting sexual activity. One sure way to avoid doing so is to communicate.